i am empty. i am an empty tomb, painted white for show
i feel at the end of all thoughts, all circles of thoughts that i go over and over and back and forth and through and no conclusion
all the things i "know" that i hear and know and want to KNOW and believe and experience, they are running through my mind and i feel guilty because i don't know how to know them. i don't know how to be who i am supposed to be because i have all these thoughts and i am selfish, COM.PLETE.LY, and i know that i can't overcome this by myself (i have tried............oh. how i try.) but i don't know how to do what it is i am supposed to do
i feel at the rock bottom, what they call it. but i don't know how to put aside my pride
i want to need you. Lord. lord. Lord. i want it all to be silent always so that i can know, finally, always, what is true. WHAT is true. i mourn on the inside i toil and think of mself in every way possible i think and i think and i don't think really at all and i get nowhere. nowhere.
i can get nowhere by myself and yet i keep on living....................but not living.............but this is how so many people, most people, live. and they are living their life, right. but i (am supposed to) know that that's not really living.
am i one of them? just with pride, too much pride to confess that the way i'm living isn't life at all?
YES . of COURSE. and how can i even SAY "THEM"?????? when i am the worst. i need to believe this because it's true
it is what i'm coming to find
i am the worst of them. even though i don't think it, individually, i like to compare. contrast. say that i don't believe the things they do when really i am just FIGHTING IT BECAUSE I THINK THE VERY SAME THINGS BUT I WANT TO BE ABOVE IT SO i act like i think i'm above the LOWWWWLY thoughts that OTHER , WORSE FOLK have but really. really. it is fear to look at the log in my eye. the forest.
i am alone.
i am lonely, i am alone, i don't feel anything.
i don't know how to function, i think i can but i can't. i am
lost. completely. and i don't know how to surrender myself to get found.
i just feel 100 percent selfish. 100 percent of the time. and that's the truth. what i am. and i feel that guilt and i'm afraid to give it up because then i'd have to live.
