i am empty. i am an empty tomb, painted white for show
i feel at the end of all thoughts, all circles of thoughts that i go over and over and back and forth and through and no conclusion
all the things i "know" that i hear and know and want to KNOW and believe and experience, they are running through my mind and i feel guilty because i don't know how to know them. i don't know how to be who i am supposed to be because i have all these thoughts and i am selfish, COM.PLETE.LY, and i know that i can't overcome this by myself (i have tried............oh. how i try.) but i don't know how to do what it is i am supposed to do
i feel at the rock bottom, what they call it. but i don't know how to put aside my pride
i want to need you. Lord. lord. Lord. i want it all to be silent always so that i can know, finally, always, what is true. WHAT is true. i mourn on the inside i toil and think of mself in every way possible i think and i think and i don't think really at all and i get nowhere. nowhere.
i can get nowhere by myself and yet i keep on living....................but not living.............but this is how so many people, most people, live. and they are living their life, right. but i (am supposed to) know that that's not really living.
am i one of them? just with pride, too much pride to confess that the way i'm living isn't life at all?
YES . of COURSE. and how can i even SAY "THEM"?????? when i am the worst. i need to believe this because it's true
it is what i'm coming to find
i am the worst of them. even though i don't think it, individually, i like to compare. contrast. say that i don't believe the things they do when really i am just FIGHTING IT BECAUSE I THINK THE VERY SAME THINGS BUT I WANT TO BE ABOVE IT SO i act like i think i'm above the LOWWWWLY thoughts that OTHER , WORSE FOLK have but really. really. it is fear to look at the log in my eye. the forest.
i am alone.
i am lonely, i am alone, i don't feel anything.
i don't know how to function, i think i can but i can't. i am
lost. completely. and i don't know how to surrender myself to get found.
i just feel 100 percent selfish. 100 percent of the time. and that's the truth. what i am. and i feel that guilt and i'm afraid to give it up because then i'd have to live.
Did you know that you are the third hit when you google “not all the wanderings of her heart”? I Don’t know what pain or addiction you are going through, but your words describe my feelings of myself very closely. I, also, am sometimes brought to the edge of despair when I think about my selfishness, and how much I fail my savior. But I want you to know something that my favorite pastor, Joe Novenson, said that has encouraged me. When preaching on the sermon on the mount, he pointed out that Christ said, “blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness”. His point was that it seems strange that anyone who hungers or thirsts for something, NOT YET possessing it… would be called blessed. Now, it is indeed true that we who trust Christ for salvation have possession of HIS imputed righteousness, and are declared Righteous before God. But we still hunger for the day when we will not sin anymore, or be selfish. We hunger for that day when all our sins will be dead at Christ’s feet. And If we hunger for this day, it is strongly probable evidence that we are His child indeed, for those who are not his children don’t have such longings. Take courage dear friend and remember the words you’ve chosen for your blog: Not all the wanderings of her heart, can make HIS love for her depart.” Love, His Love, will not from its post withdraw, :)
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